The Lost Weekend

By GAIL COLLINS

The Senate is going to be in session all weekend, debating the big health care bill and arguing about which direction the cost-curve is heading. This is a positive development on two counts. It keeps senators off the streets while providing much-needed employment in the chart-making sector of our economy.

Or we could just lock them in a basement until they’re done squabbling. Either way is good, but the basement option would have the advantage of covering some of the less-active debaters with an attractive coat of mildew. In any case, I guarantee you that the number of normal Americans who will pay attention can be numbered in the low single digits.

So as a public service to the nonlistening audience, let me give you a summary of the important action so far:

ROUND ONE Republicans: Let’s get rid of all the Medicare savings in the bill. Think of the seniors!

Democrats: Yettaruttayetta.

ROUND TWO Mammograms! Everybody loves them. Can’t have enough.

ROUND THREE Republicans: Let’s get rid of part of the Medicare savings in the bill. Think of the seniors!

Democrats: Ruttayettarutta.

Is that perfectly clear? Good. Now we will return to our regularly scheduled conversation. Did you see that hot reality show “Hoarders” on A&E the other night? What about that lady who hoarded her dead cats? If “Hoarders” gets superpopular, do you think lots of people will start putting dead cats in their living room just so they can get on TV and be famous? Maybe somebody will try to bring dead cats to a state dinner at the White House! Does the Secret Service have a plan to avert this?

Sorry. I’ll behave. Back to the health care bill.

The Republicans are the fiscal conservatives in Congress, at least in the years when they aren’t actually in power. They were never going to rally around an expensive new government program that fails to provide a single new market for corn-based products.

But you would expect them to try to push the whole project in the most economical direction possible.

For instance, the bill would establish an independent commission on Medicare payment rates. This is a very big deal and you are going to have to take my word that health care economists fall over with excitement when it comes up.

But the Senate Democrats’ current version of the bill would only allow the panel experts to act when Medicare spending rises at a faster rate than other health care spending. Since health care spending has been going through the roof, we’re talking about waiting until Medicare spending goes through the ozone layer.

Obviously, this is an area where the Republicans would want to swing into action. And they did. They prepared an amendment eliminating the Medicare panel entirely.

In fact, G.O.P. senators appear to have amendments aimed at wiping out virtually all the cost-cutting the Democrats have put in the bill, including productivity adjustments and incentives for innovation in health care delivery.

If they can’t kill the bill completely, Republicans who are not from Maine seem intent on raising its price tag. While terrifying senior citizens in a cynical attempt to influence their vote in the next election cycle. Although I’m sure Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma just misspoke when he said: “I have a message for you: You’re going to die sooner."

On Friday, much of the debate was directed at Medicare Advantage. This is a program that flourished during the privatization craze. And like many attempts to save money by shoehorning private businesses into government programs, it wound up costing a ton. The Medicare Advantage policyholders cost the government 14 percent more than regular Medicare recipients, although they do often get extra benefits, sometimes including free Band-Aids or gym memberships.

Now let us be fair. There are some good services in the Advantage mix, and gym memberships are in and of themselves a fine thing. But you would think the political party that eviscerated the Clinton stimulus plan over an appropriation for late-night basketball programs would really be ticked at the idea that we’re providing a 14 percent subsidy to some Medicare recipients so they can have access to Stairmasters.

Au contraire. In fact, on Thursday Senator Orrin Hatch proposed an amendment that would eliminate the entire $120 billion in Medicare Advantage savings from the bill.

There is no sane explanation for all this other than crass political calculation. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet, a Colorado Democrat who’s up for election next year, introduced an amendment specifically promising that Medicare recipients would not lose any of their current guaranteed benefits. It passed 100 to 0. Meanwhile, Colorado voters were getting robocalls from John McCain warning that the health care bill was going to cut their “vital Medicare coverage.”

Now, about those dead cats.