Hey, Swannie, You Should Stay on the Political Sideline, by Norman Chad, aka The Couch Slouch

Note from Blue: Chad's column was just too funny (and accurate) not to print in its entirety. Read below.

Monday, April 17, 2006
The Couch Slouch: Hey Swannie, you should stay on political sideline
By NORMAN CHAD SPECIAL TO THE P-I

Considering we live in Sports Nation -- where celebrity supersedes substance and everyone likes to shake hands with a Super Bowl hero -- the following career progression should sound fairly natural:
Hall of Fame NFL wide receiver.

Pedestrian network sports broadcaster.

Governor of the state of Pennsylvania.

Lynn Swann, the ex-Steelers star, is trying to make the leap from sideline to statehouse as the Republican candidate for governor in Pennsylvania against incumbent Edward Rendell.

Some of you are probably familiar with Swann's work on ABC as a sideline reporter.

Do you know what a sideline reporter does? He stands on the sideline. There are three primary responsibilities: Give updates on injuries, interview the coach at halftime and stand on the sideline.

Frankly, if you were to chase runaway mercury out of broken thermometers at a local hospital, you would be making better use of your time than standing on a sideline reporting. And not to trample all over Swannie here, but he is just an average sideline reporter. There is not a single moment I can recall in which Swann did something so extraordinary on the sideline that I said to myself, "Yep, gubernatorial material."

Swann has been standing on the sideline watching football for the past quarter-century, and suddenly he's qualified to be governor of Pennsylvania? Heck, I've been sitting on the sofa watching football for the past quarter-century -- what am I, the next U.S. attorney general?
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Here is a list of professions that would better prepare a person for elected public office than sideline reporting:
Assistant night shift manager, 7-Eleven; apprentice dishwasher, TGI Friday's; driver, Good Humor truck; head masseuse, Playboy Mansion; groundskeeper, Lambeau Field; distant relative, Bush or Kennedy family.

Granted, it is not unusual for athletes to turn to politics -- Bill Bradley, Steve Largent and Jim Bunning, among them.

(Before Nero ascended to power, he had a chariot-racing scholarship -- a full, four-year ride -- at Western Roman Empire Tech.)

(For years, Charles Barkley has talked about being governor of Alabama, which makes sense, I guess, if Alabama is thinking of seceding from the Union.)

(Speaking of ex-jocks, I just read in the Los Angeles Times that former Dodgers great Steve Garvey owes countless creditors yet still lives a luxurious lifestyle and gives motivational speeches about integrity. Tell me this fella doesn't have "United States senator" written all over him.)

(By the way, I live in California, where two of the past six governors have been film actors. Then again, we had the late Sonny Bono as a congressman representing Palm Springs. I wouldn't be surprised if I turned on the TV next week and Ben Stiller was being sworn in for something.)

Anyhow, it's one thing for an underqualified, underprepared individual to stumble into Congress -- you can be buried in committee hearings there for years with not so much as having to raise your hand -- but it's another thing for that same person to be chief executive of an entire state.

Now, I'm just as wary of "professional politicians" as Swann is. Indeed, those holding public office should come from all walks of life; I just think the bar ought not be too low. I'm not saying all officeholders need to be the best and the brightest, but when you've spent much of your adult life under a football helmet or a catcher's mask -- that's right, Timmy McCarver, don't get any ideas! -- I don't know if your abilities are best suited to make decisions for millions of fellow taxpayers.

And couldn't Swann just start out running a state with fewer people, such as one of the Dakotas or something?

Besides, I'm kind of used to him telling me who has a high ankle sprain.